i think it might just be me...

I wonder... when we curse at the Fates or the Almighty for things in life not "going one's way" who are we really bitching at. 

it's really got to be our own selves, right? cause there's no one responsible for our own destinies than our selves. Free will and all. 

so mission for the next... whatever, let's see how long i can do this: no more bitching. life is frickin' beautiful and grand and glorious. work hard and fucking play hard. work out, eat healthy, take care of my mind and soul and spirit. focus on the now. on my Self (not in a self-centred way of course).   

Midnight musings

It's just past midnight in Lahore, the City of Saints. 

Am lying in bed. Typing these words out on my new iPhone. How technology has evolved in the years since I last wrote in these 'pages' (after all, what is this blog if not my own online journal). 

It's interesting - to me at least how some things don't change. In one of my previous posts I had mentioned the dilemna of sharing my feelings vs the risks inherent in baring one's soul. And then to was the ever-present echo of Ego. 

Of course we want these words to be read; to be shared. We write to touch the souls of others with our own. Or, in my case, to allow for self-indulgent moments of vanity. And Fantasy. 

But I wonder whether the point of these musings ought to be a record of my day (as I have done in the past), or rather a more metaphorical randomb rambling, allowing my Id). 

I suppose at some point I owe any readers of this blog (imaginary though they may be) a more thorough recap of the years between 2006 and now. 

I shall. But for tonight, let's call it a night. My heart has found itself once again confounded. So perhaps time to sleep on that. 

More anon. 

'o'

Return of the Prodigal Son

So... I doubt that there are any readers of this 'blog' (can I even still call it that?) out there in good ol' Cyber Land. But I suppose that really doesn't matter, to be perfectly honest. After all, for those of us who 'write', we all always eventually find ourselves back at the altar of words.

I suppose then, that for me, this process is one of catharsis - letting things out, and away. Letting go, perhaps.

Really, just a return, I guess.

On the off-chance that some strange individual(s) out there did actually follow these musings - and sometimes checks in just in case - here's a quick update:

Not quite sure where I left off (since I frankly couldn't be arsed to check), I assume you did not know that following the ending of my engagement (assuming you know that at least), I moved to London, started working in PR, moved back to Pakistan, started my own PR agency, and here we are.

I did say it would be quick. And I shall try as far as possible to remain as faithful to the 'Truth' (as I subjectively see it, of course) as I can. 

So now, a few important questions:

1. Should I really even bother doing this? The likelihood of anyone actually reading these words is slim to none, as I see it. But then, as stated earlier, the purpose of these writings is not, as such, to 'entertain' others, but to rather provide an outlet for my.... my whatever. 

2. Knowing then, that I am writing this only for myself, should I bother publishing this? Well, that's a tough one (for me, at least). There's enough of the egoist in me to want at least someone, out of the many millions of Internet users out there, to get caught up in my words, and my life. In essence, in me. Then again, I did say that I would persevere to stay as close to the Truth as possible. 

3. Which leads me to wonder, do I really want some stranger to have access to my deepest thoughts (keeping in mind that this is not an anonymous blog - and that I also have a professional reputation to uphold)?

4. And then there's the final question - perhaps the most important of all: Even if I do publish this post, do I have the discipline to follow up? To keep this process going... To keep writing.

Hmmmmm...

The thing is, do any of these things really matter? Not that I can see... 

Ok. So, publish we shall. And let's see where the chips fall.

C'est tout pour ce soir.

'o'

 

quick word

folks. much has been occurring in my life of late, leaving me with little time to truly ruminate or contribute to this here ledger...

however, for faithful followers, be not dismayed, for i shall return a-force as soon as my life resumes some semblance of normalcy. suffice it to say that i am currently embroiled in several dilemnas and crises of a somewhat existential nature.

those who may have spoken to me during this time will know what i am speaking of. others, i am sorry, but you will have to employ a modicum of patience, since even while i may return to chronicling my life and the happenings therein, it may be some time before i am able to adequately, indeed even safely, elucidate my current situation.

anon,

'o'

to blog or not to blog

i dont feel like being linear. am sick of it. just want to let my mind wander today. meander away...

i just got an email from an old, old friend. N. adore her. was nasty to her years back. dont think i'll ever really forgive myself for that. she's simply amazing - smart, funny, witty. head in the clouds but feet (it seems) firmly on the ground. beautiful too. like a botticelli angel with curly hair that seemed to go for ever. married to a super guy too.

sigh. life. weird, huh?

anyway, of late, i've been wondering: to blog or not to blog, that is the question...

criticisms of self-indulgence and boring prose have led me to self doubt... boring??? i hear you ask increduously. me???? yes, folks, you read correctly. many a family member from darlingest younger cuz M. to super gorgeous older cuz T. - all seem to think this blog is about as interesting as an autopsy performed on a dead frog.

to be fair, there are some people who might find that interesting. but they're probably as scarce as the people who actually enjoy reading this blog...

shit. gotta jet. fellow musician-cum-journalist and ridesharer extraordinaire Mer-maid is calling... need to boogie. SF is calling. missing my babe. DYING to get away from effing suite effing z... shout, shout, let it all out...

will try to write more.

blah blah blah.

laterz gatorz...

'o'

ps: yo, Big G. you listenin'??? can you hear me callin'? it's a long way from our dayz in the big apple, yo... missin' ya. ping me...

budding fan base?

so i just discovered that, contrary to my earlier beliefs, i do have a readership... while somewhat flattered, i must also confess to being somewhat disturbed... more so, since this supposed "fan" is a co-worker and someone privy to my most private (read public) musings...

i must confess, i find it slightly uncomfortable that one of my co-workers (and apparent "friends") would do this behind my back. admittedly, by putting forth my thoughts, life etc on such a public forum, i am opening myself up to criticism and scrutiny - not all of it pleasant. which begs the question, is this worth it???

for my own part, i consider this blog a means to venting my frustrations, whilst simultaneously keeping those i adore (my near and dear) informed on my doings and whereabouts... but is it worth the cost of clandestine ridicule by my fellow workers? it's not that i mind the tongue-in-cheek humor and sarcasm - far from it. in fact, i actually think it's quite cleverly written and vastly amusing... what bothers me is the fact that i was not included in the joke. after all, since this is obviously authored by someone i work with (and who i - probably stupidly - consider a friend), it stings that i was not made privy to a joke that is quite obviously at my expense...

herring spy? fantastic fan? or simple stalker...? i'm probably overreacting. only time will tell. while i have my suspicions on said person's identity, for the time being, i will keep my cards close to my chest. for one, i will be a lot more cautious about what i say (uh, yeah right!)...

meanwhile, you can check out the musings of my media mole at omarwatch.blogspot.com.

later gators,

'o'

post scriptum

i cant help but wonder, is anybody even reading this??? or are these words really just for my own private pleasure...

in the immortal words of pink floyd, "is there anybody out there???"

quick thought

question: to be a writer, is it necessary to also be an ego?

when i look back and re-read what i have written in my blog, i am amazed by how self-involved and self-centric it all is. then i read the blogs of some friends, and i find the same thing. along with a writing style that is more often than not self-aggrandizing and verbose.

see? i'm doing it right here, right now...

then again, given that this is supposedly my space, the question that comes to my mind is: does that justify my occupying what is essentially public domain with my own ramblings?

i'm opening this one out to the public - thoughts would be most welcome. and, in this case, i withdraw my earlier request of no anonymous postings. knock yourselves out, folks...

yours in anticipation...

'o'

weekend update

hello again folks...

so after an extended hiatus, i am back...

sorry for the delay, but the past few days have just been really busy... have been getting back from the herring at the usual late hour, but for some reason have been more tired than normal. resultantly, instead of taking time to write, i've just crashed out.

plus, of course, i have also been trying to spend "quality time" with tash - which has not been easy of late.

anyway, before i continue, here is my promised shout-out to my erstwhile companion and fellow sinner Big G. many a cold manhattan winter night have been spent in the company of BG and my other british babe, the one, the only, JC. and no, i am not talking about jesus christ.

?!?!?!?!?!?!?

shit, my sense of humor has really taken a turn for the worse...

but fear not folks, it shall, i am confident, return in due course.

so, i was saying, update...

went to muir woods this weekend past. the drive to the woods is simply spectacular. for the pakis amongst us, it is extremely reminiscent of the drive to nathiagali. winding roads lined with trees, random shafts of sunlight filtering through the leaves and branches. the woods themselves were spectacular. tashi and i went on a 5-mile hike, half of which was up-hill. we almost walked all the way to stinson beach (on the pacific, and another five miles), but rather astutely figured out early enough that that was probably not the best of ideas. still, it was a phenomenal experience. exhilarating. not to mention, my good friend Mary Jane came along for the ride, which made the whole thing kind of psychedelic.

now that that's over with, i must confess, i am at somewhat of a loss for words. to be brutally honest, not much of any interest has been going on with my life. work is, well, work. and my life outside work has taken on a strange and rather mundane overtone. one that bothers my little darling no end, i might add. to this end, i have enrolled us in a tantric yoga workshop and am also planning a day trip to napa for tash's birthday...

in other news, S. and i seem to have finally made our peace. although i must confess, i still feel the sharp pangs of jealousy when she talks in dulcet, loving tones about her current amour - also an S.

whatever, blah, blah, blah... i am now starting to bore even myself - so i can only imagine what y'all must be going through. my suggestion: to those unable to match wandering attention spans such as myself, i would suggest that you...

stop

reading

right

about

now!

for those who are able to follow the meanderings of my mind (or are bored enough to try), please feel free to continue...

beautiful BOC, another fellow j-school alum, came over last night for dinner and a rather interesting conversation on identity ensued. given that i am currently somewhat braindead, i will not be able to reproduce much of the original conversation. however, the gist was to question why people tend to identify themselves with what they do as a job/career. this illustrated by how one also tends to identify others by what they do. hence amongst the first questions asked when meeting a new person is, "what do you do?"

i argued that this is not something endemic to america and that what one does is an important facet of self-definition. B. and Catgirl (roommate) argued that this was not necessarily the case. Catgirl pointing to europe (france) where she said people were proud of what they did, irrespective of what it was, and that, beyond that, they made no big deal about it.



sigh... i just ran out of steam...anyone really interested in the outcome of the conversation can just drop me an email. meanwhile, for all those in my vicinity, anyone game for a game of risk? if yes, then, again, drop me a line. am looking for like-minded people to join me in my imaginary quest for global domination.

for now, i am going to sign off before i upchuck my lunch all over my nice brown corduroy pants.

anon.

'o'